With Wenger going, there’s only one solution – put me in charge of Arsenal

When I saw the look on his face, I thought something that actually mattered had ­happened.

“It’s Wenger,” he mumbled mournfully, shoulders slumped. “ He’s resigned .”

I rolled my eyes and went to carry on with my life, exactly as it was before, when my husband clutched my arm. He fixed me with an intense stare, and uttered the words – in absolute seriousness – “Don’t you get it? This is my Diana.”

I snorted.

“He’s not dead,” I said, both reasonably and factually.

My husband then shot me a wounded look.

“He might as well be!” he wailed.

It was then pointed out in no uncertain terms that Arsene Wenger has been in my husband’s life for 22 years, ie much longer than me. Perhaps I was being ­paranoid, but it almost seemed like there was an implication that length of time = importance.

I reminded him that Wenger hadn’t exactly led Arsenal to triumphant victory. This went down about as well as slating someone at their funeral… which, it turns out, was exactly what I was doing, in my husband’s head.

I gently suggested that perhaps a new manager would get better results, (ie told the widow, sobbing on the casket, that she’d meet someone better).

My husband replied that even if a new manager does get results, they will only be down to the excellent foundations Wenger has laid, and absolutely nothing to do with the new manager at all. He then took off his rose-coloured glasses and rubbed his eyes. He is a pathologically cheerful man, determined to find the ­positive in any situation, no matter how annoying that makes him, but today his world was entirely black.

Funnily enough, that was annoying too.

Anyway, I’m not sure how to do it, but I’m definitely going to apply to replace Wenger. Surely I know more about Arsenal than basically anyone? (By osmosis, ­obviously, because to clarify: I’ve never ­intentionally listened to him, of course).

And let’s be honest, I couldn’t really make them lose much more than they do now, could I?

Anyway, from the things my husband shouts while Match of the Day is on, it appears that he always knows exactly what needs to be done – and not just with Arsenal, with all the teams! I know! So clever! – so I could just ask him what to do, strategy-wise.

Me being Arsenal manager would really put the spark back into my marriage too, now I come to think of it. Firstly, I’d be away a lot. Secondly, my husband would probably actually listen to what I said if it was about Arsenal , as opposed to now, when it’s just about meaningless nonsense like our lives.

I’d have to go to all the games – you know, for appearances’ sake – so we’d spend more time together… and I bet my husband would be absolutely delighted to start going to them with me instead of his mates.

So if I’m the new manager, everyone’s a winner. Well, I mean, probably not Arsenal, though – I’m not a miracle worker, after all.

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